The following is an excerpt from a past entry in this Journal titled Living in Limbo, which was originally posted on March 31, 2008…
I have been released, once more, from ownership and I am “Free,”… yet again, not by any desire of my own.
…
In SL Gor, I must now walk as a Free Woman, or else submit to a city kennel or a Master I do not know well. I know many see the status of Free and slave as black and white. They claim, if you have a slave heart, you are being dishonest if you “masquerade” as a Free Woman. I think I once believed that myself. But I can tell you now, that I see a much more complicated range. And it shouldn’t be so surprising really. Many women, born Free, resist slavery, and only slowly learn their need for it. And those that have it forced upon them tend to suffer a great deal as they are trained into the understanding that is a slave’s life and nature. It isn’t instantaneous. It is well known that a Free Woman hides a lot more than her face behind her veil and the robes of concealment. And it is her legal right to do so. And now it is my granted privilege as well, so I intend to cherish this opportunity to take my time and carefully consider where my true place is.
I do not find it dishonest to dwell in SL Gor as a Free Woman, tempted like any other, to fall to my knees to a man that might be able to Master me. As has been mentioned in previous posts, I have already come to the realization that SL Gor does not live up to the authentic Gorean ideals. I have been deeply wounded by the actions of my recent Owner, and my slave spirit has been crushed. I know I would make a very poor and miserable Gorean city slave at this time. I would be scoffed at by others claiming that if I do not have the heart to serve all Free, then I am not a “true slave.”
Alternatively, I will also be scoffed at by those that think, “once a slave, always a slave,” and that I am being dishonest and trying to “elevate myself” to a lofty Free Woman of Gor, rather than seeing me as just another of the many insecure Free Women, hiding their sexuality behind the airs of protective frigidity and concealing natural timidity behind formally respectful speech and defensive boldness.
The reality is that I am in limbo. I have become a free submissive without a Master. But I am lost and unsure where to find a Master that is not distracted by fanciful fetishism, fictional expectations or arbitrarily imposed “rules of conduct” by a cult mindshare outside of our own relationship. I know I need a Master with the experience to know precisely what he wants and how to get it, the vision to see that his wants match the potential of what I have to give, and the consistency and strength to bear and sustain the responsibility of our mutual fulfillment. Maybe I don’t know exactly what I need, but do know what I don’t need. I don’t need an “Owner”… I need a Master. I don’t need a “trainer”… I need a leader.
A lot has happened between now and then, and even in the past six months since my last post to this Journal, so this may seem “a cop out” to some… but honestly… every single word copied above holds just as true today, once again, as it did then. So there is nothing else to say except…
…I really hate limbo.
