It’s a new year, and so it is a time when many of us stop for a moment, reflect, and take stock as we assess our recent experiences. Thus, I hope you will not mind indulging me as I offer a highly abridged recap of the past few years before I move on to take a look ahead.
In the beginning, I simply came to learn about Gor as a curious and open-minded Observer. Then, my interest became piqued and I not only wanted to become educated about what it was, but I wanted to study it deeply to gain a true understanding of others and the why they were so connected to it. It later was a bit of a surprise when I realized I was actually discovering more about myself.
I was freed for the first time (after nearly two years in slavery) at the beginning of 2008 by my Master at that time, who later admitted that he was uncertain of what he really wanted and had made the mistake of thinking that he wished to make me his Companion. Unfortunately, it ended up being just the beginning of the end, and all too soon, I was making my own way as an independent free woman of Gor. The rest of that difficult year was spent nurturing a broken, lost and achingly passionate heart and learning what it really meant to be free, and more specifically, what sort of freedom I really did, or did not, have.
It then wasn’t until the start of 2009 that I began the even more important struggle in the effort to discover what sort of freedom I really wanted and needed. We all make choices and mistakes, but then wounds heal, lessons are learned, we try again, and so goes the cycle of life. This past year was no exception, as I remained open to new considerations, wrought with uncertainty, hurt by disappointing outcomes, and feeling the scratching upon old scars once again. It simply becomes more proof that one should be grateful for their previous injuries, as scar tissue provides one with a stronger base that is fortified with deeper knowledge and prepared with enlightened wisdom.
And now, the difference this time around the bend, at least at this moment, is that I feel I have much more to be thankful and optimistic for because I am finally emerging from this journey into the formerly unknown and applying my hard won insights back into a more fulfilling and complete life that is no longer a repressed or isolated part of me, and instead has become a fully integrated and nurtured part of my nature and quest for ever improving personal development.
The power of Gor amazes me, the way it draws people in, not even aware of why they are attracted to it, and what may be missing in their own lives. It amazes me even more, how even with the protection and security of total anonymity, how dishonest people can be, even with themselves. People will still deny who they really are and refuse to admit their own real needs by hiding behind false fronts, either saying, “it’s just a game,” when deep down they crave that profound dynamic and have a genuine need for such types of intimate connections… OR they declare the exact reverse by saying, “this IS who I really am” and then frivolously try to dictate and control something that is entirely out of their actual reality or capabilities. But of course, for yet still others, those statements are entirely true.
Oddly enough, the more evident the actual lack of honest Gorean personalities became online, the more I have sought to integrate the lifestyle into my “real-life.” As a result, since I have been embracing the Gorean lifestyle beyond the confines of SL, it has finally allowed me to consider detaching my sincere emotional investments more from what IS merely a role-playing environment for most others, whether they admit it or not. In other words, ironically, in order to subsume more deeply into my own Gorean nature, I need to detach myself more from the very source that elucidated it for me in the first place.
Wish me luck?
